A repeating effort to chronicle the odder terms people use to find my silly little blog.
Today’s search term: How do you get suckers off of Tom
I know three Toms pretty well. Honestly any of them is just as likely as the other to wind up in this predicament.
As you know, I prefer that nobody who searches and finds me walks away disappointed. So… how do you get suckers off of Tom?
If the suckers are from an octopus and it is alive and you are in the water with it and Tom, you should first rejoice that its suckers found him and not you. After a moment of being thankful you should gently reach toward the octopus, avoid it’s very sharp beak, and then club it to death with your fists. The suckers will release upon death.
If the sucker is a lollipop and it is stuck to Tom you should first determine the flavor. If it appears to be yellow it’s probably lemon and that’s gross. Ignore it (and Tom) and perhaps suggest that Tom goes for a swim with the cephalopods. If it’s red, green, or purple commence with the licking of the sucker. Common wisdom says that it takes three licks to polish off a sucker, but I’m not sure that’s true. Lick until the sucker is gone and then allow Tom to dry off.
If the sucker is a person who believes in psychic powers and he or she has stuck to Tom somehow you should attempt to make some money. Tell the sucker that his/her radiant energies are out of whack and that you can correct it using reiki or magnets or crystals or bacon, but that it will cost $250. Take the money and wave your hands over the sucker and club him to death with your fists. The sucker will release upon death.